The art of setting up a Christmas tree from the point of view of an autistic artist…
I wrote this in 2014, the year my now ex-wife and I split up. She left in July that year. 2014 was the last year I set up a Christmas tree. I was suffering from the first of 3 concussions which I had within a 2 year period of time when I wrote this. This first concussion was a rather nasty concussion which took me 9 months to heal from. And yet the oppressive headaches, dizziness, motion sickness and moodiness from the concussion did not stop me from setting up the tree that year. I had no plans to set one up this year, even though my parents bought me a newer, much smaller tree than the 8 ft. tree that I had then. Quite a bit of frost bite has settled into my heart in the past 5 years and my heart has only recently begun healing from that frost bite. I had only begun to realize that I was autistic in 2014, at the ripe age of 41. Dating an autistic woman opened my eyes to the meaning and nature of my life long struggles. It would be another 2 years before I was willing to actually admit to anyone that I am autistic. Reading this essay has me in tears and thinking about actually setting a tree up this year-in spite of the fact that NO ONE ever comes over my house and no one other than me will see the tree. Maybe that is just it? Maybe no one other than me actually needs to see the tree?…
Decemeber 2014: Maybe I am the only one who thinks like this, but for me putting up a Christmas tree is a very complex proposition. Sure you have the putting up the tree element. But it is also an act of artistic creation, the tree has to look good. Are the colors balanced, are the ornaments balanced, is it visually pleasing? Does it reflect well on me? But on top of that, the ornaments become part of my memory of years gone by. I have ornaments on this tree that I got in 1977 when I was 4 years old! Many of the ornaments either say something about me, or about my history. As I said earlier there are Steelers, Penguins, Star Wars, Cars, trains, tools, dinosaurs, dog, dog and more dogs, photos of my current dogs and my past dogs in the form of ornaments, crosses everywhere, a crown for the baby who was born and changed the world, my favorite letter “G” and quite a few of my childhood ornaments all represented on this tree. The angel is a laminated icon print of my icon of the Angel Gabriel who brought the message of salvation to the Theotokos. This tree has my name written all over it. And so when I look at them, they bring back memories. Some of those good, some of them bad. There are some ornaments that purposely got left in the box because they are no longer part of my life and yet I was forced to see those and deal with the residue they brought up. Yesterday I spent the whole day debating just leaving the tree undecorated all Christmas and then taking it down. I decided to decorate it not for me, but in order to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But it was a huge struggle, and at times quite painful to do. I am alone this Christmas and so very few people will see this tree other than me. Knowing that the stockings were being hung by the chimney and yet would not be filled made me lose and ball my eyes out, and yet I forged on. In years past they would be filled by me and others for each other, but not this year. Now that it is up, I am glad that it is up. I am also glad that I am an Orthodox Christian because I can use the excuse of Old Calendar Nativity on Jan 6 to leave the tree up until mid to late January. To all of my friends, I wish you a joyful holiday, whether you celebrate the cultural Christmas or celebrate the Nativity of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas Everyone!!!
12/22/2019 Here is the link to this year’s tree. https://www.instagram.com/p/B6ZZYGxhgSL/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&fbclid=IwAR2BwnDmyrgXWANt3lT_mQ-TkhYS5cW2O8cFbQ8VwaMgvJpE4PLtzDHRY5A
