More masks…
To carry on where I left off with my post about The Stranger the other day, we all wear masks which we hide behind in our daily lives. Many people assume that because they have seen a person in one aspect of their daily lives they know that person. “I know Michael because I have seen his posts on Facebook…I know Michael because he has taken photos of me or met him at an event he was photographing…I know Michael because he has painted me an icon…” Just because you have had an interaction with a person, does not mean you know them. This is especially true when the mask is some form of social media platform.
Going back to a line from “The Stranger”: “Why were you so surprised that you never saw The Stranger? Did you ever let your lover see the Stranger in yourself?” I had come across a very deep, very all encompassing layer of the onion the other day during what I thought would be a very normal interaction with my dad. This layer caught me out of the blue and caused me to begin re-thinking many things. I called Nick, as I often do to discuss things, and towards the end of the conversation I said to Nick that I have peeled away so much, and the changes in my thinking have been so profound that I barely even knew who I was any more. Nick’s response was profound. “Michael, what you are actually doing is coming to know your true self.”
My true self. Not the self given to me by my parents. Not the self who believed the same thing as Dad politically out of fear that Dad would not agree with me and out of ignorance of any other points of view. Not the self who was angry all of the time because I had to constantly defend myself against the ignorant and rude put downs of my dad or my mom being unhappy because I refused to be the person who she wanted me to be. Not the self who had the nastiest temper with no filter which served as a defense mechanism against dad and mom and every one else who tried to encroach on my being. Not the self who believed in Catholicism just because I was raised Catholic. Not the self who believed all of the nonsensical clericalism that the Catholic Church and my Catholic friends in college believed. That self, the one in college who associated with traditionalist Catholics was probably the most false self I have had, hence the reason it crumbled to pieces once I went to seminary for a year. Definitely not the self who hid behind the mask of “Michael the Iconographer” on TAW on Christian Forums for years before Fr. John finally ordered Lori to lock me out of my account. No, the true self is nothing like any of those selves and someone who although it is hard work and a little confusing to discover, who at the same time I am finding great joy in discovering. The true self is much closer to the little boy who loved to be creative and was happy all of the time that the teacher who I ran into in the library remembered. The true self is the self who was extremely excited at the opportunity to donate a stack of drawing pads to a friends art students knowing that I was sharing the gift of creativity with these budding young artists.
The irony of all of this is while I did not want to start down this path that I am on, and at many points had to be dragged kicking and screaming along the path, I have begun to actually enjoy the work. So unlike in “The Trial” on Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” where His Honor the Worm as judge and jury orders Pink to tear down the wall and expose his true self to his peers, I have begun and pursued much of the process on my own. What I expect I will find is The Stranger who the former teacher reminded me of in the library. I expect that just like on “The Wall” once the onion is peeled, under all of those layers of anger, guilt, hatred, temperament, and artistic blockage lies something similar to the final song on “The Wall”. The final song is “Beyond the Wall” which is a very simple song that does not sound like anything else Pink Floyd has ever written. For years this song baffled me. It almost sounds like a song that would be played in a child’s nursery, not like Gilmour’s amazing guitar solos that are the staple of Floyd music.
Pink Floyd, “Outside the Wall”
All alone, or in two’s,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.
And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.
“Isn’t this where….”
The most interesting part of the song is at the very, very end of it where Waters says “Isn’t this where…” Yes, it is where it was meant to be before the stresses of life, anger toward my parents and everything built up the layers of the onion and brought on an enormous creative block. The long lost Stranger who I have been searching for for years.
