In honor of my now deceased friends Fr. Vasily Vasilievich and Dr. Yer-a-slav Pelikan, a sad attempt at Onion Dome style humor…

I wrote this attempt at satire about 2010. If you are not an Orthodox Christian and not familiar with the Orthodox satire site “The Onion Dome” you might not get the joke. There might actually be a slight jab at an actual priest in Pittsburgh who thinks he is an expert in iconography contained in this essay. Or rumor has it there is. For those who do get the joke, I hope I have made you laugh at least once in this ramble. For those who do not get it, I won’t try to explain…

Orthodox Iconographer nearly invents new rank of saints

Pittsburgh, Pa-Dr. Yeralsav Pelikan, Professor of Hysterical History at St. Toukans Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe was in Pittsburgh over the weekend investigating a nearly historic near mess up by a local iconographer. It seems Orthodox Iconographer Michael (Synaxis of the Archangels, Miracle at Colonnae, and all of the other feasts of St. Michael the Archangel) Goltz in a moment of weakness nearly created a new rank of saints.

“I was writing an icon of St. Alexis Toth Confessor and Defender of Orthodoxy in America and the entire time I was writing the icon my mind kept contracting the words confessor and defender into one word: confender,” Goltz said. “It must have been a moment of exhaustion from all of the Lenten fasting,” he continued.

“Is outrage” chimed in Fr. Vasily Vasilievich, who happened to be visiting the Holy City of Pittsburgh from Australia, and expert on everything that is really, really Orthodox, including iconography. “Was it convert iconographers of German descent inventing new ranks of saints in 19th Century Russia? No it was not! It was not even German descent convert iconographers in 19th Century Russia, not to mention anything about new ranks of saints.”

“Excuse me Fr. Vasily” chimed in Dr. Yeraslav Pelikan, “what makes you an expert on iconography?”

“I come from a long line of…” replied Fr. Vasily, only to be cut off by Dr. Yeraslav “a long line of what, Fr. Vasily?”

“Well…” replied Fr. Vasily “a long line of priests who are experts in all things iconography.”

“What makes you an expert, Fr. Vasily” replied Dr. Pelikan.

“Well, I have read the requisite books” replied Fr. Vasily only to be cut off again by the now agitated Dr. Pelikan. “But have you ever picked up a paint brush and written an icon?”

“No, I haven’t” replied Fr. Vasily.

“Is outrage!” replied Dr. Pelikan. “Was it priests claiming to be experts in things they have no practical knowledge of in 19th century Russia? I am thinking no it was not! For me to say I am an expert is iconography when I have never studied and practiced the art of iconography is just as preposterous as it would be for me to say I am an expert in church architecture and yet I have never even built the dome of a church.”

At this point the now disgraced Fr. Vasily walked away from the investigation into the nearly historic iconographic error and allowed Dr. Yeraslav and Michael to continue their work.

“So tell me Michael” continued Dr. Pelikan, “what kept you from this disaster of nearly hysterical proportions?”

“I honestly don’t know Dr. Pelikan. It must have been my guardian angel or patron saint praying for me that caused me to realize just before the error would have been made the gravity of my failure. I am so thankful to St. Michael (Synaxis of the Archangels, Miracle at Colonnae, and all of the other feasts of St. Michael the Archangel) and my guardian angel for their help in avoiding such embarrassment. If Fr. Vasily thought this was outrage I can just imagine what someone with some real authority like my Bishop would have thought.