Autism and Expectations

My friends, I have been very open the past month in my posts on Facebook about my great disdain for the time in between Halloween and New Years Day. Like many autistic people, the Holiday season is something that I absolutely dread every year and something that I do not enjoy at all. If I had my way I would go into hibernation in late October and wake up just in time for the Jan/Feb push for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I used to think the sense of loneliness which I experience was unique to me alone, but as I have opened up about my autism to others on the spectrum I have found that I am not alone in this dread. To quote my fellow aspie Frigg: “Christmas is a horror to most of us.”

It is not that I do not enjoy the traditions of Christmas. If you read my recent re-post of an essay which I wrote in 2014, I do actually enjoy many of the traditions of Christmas. Christmas tree decoration is an art to me. I have a collection of ornaments that would make any young child jealous. I love gingerbread houses, Christmas lights, and even enjoy going to Christmas parties when I know the people who are there. The problem is that the very things which make me autistic often get in the way of my enjoying the holiday.

I have always been told that my expectations of others are unrealistic. Whether it be of (my former membership in) the Catholic Church and its priests growing up, or of those around me, I have been constantly told throughout my life that I expect too much of others. This is even more true of the holidays. Due to my being autistic, I struggle to understand the meaning of many things, including the holidays. I struggle to understand who truly is my friend and cares for me, and who is simply out to use me for my artistic talent. I struggle to understand what is acceptable and what is expected of me by those who are neurotypical. Due to the nature of autism and the way that those of use who are on the spectrum relate to others, I tend to be isolated from the majority of society. I am much more selective about who I associate with, and I often have much higher expectations of and toward those few people who I do associate with. This has often had destructive and negative effects upon my life when people fail to live up to those expectations. My reaction to others when they fail to live up to my expectations usually ends in my cutting those people out of my life. Compare this to neurotypical people who have a much more distributed social network with different people in their network for different purposes. We who are on the spectrum are connected in general to far less people than those who are not on the spectrum, and because of this we often expect our few connections to give us more time and attention than they can deal with. However, at the same time we are often unprepared to know when someone is taking too much from us and is in fact using us.

There is a whole list of questions about expectations and the holidays that are a near impossible challenge to a person on the spectrum. Is it acceptable to expect an invitation to an event and how do you not feel rejected when you don’t receive one? Who do you send Christmas cards to and how do you deal with it when you receive next to no Christmas cards in the mail? How do you know who to give a gift to and what if the same person does not also give you a gift? How do you not feel rejected when you see family give gifts to another family member but not to yourself? How do you deal with those who you are related to who have rejected you do to your struggles with autism prior to your diagnosis? The rejection that many autistic people experience during the holidays can be nothing less than a nightmare.

This particular Christmas did not turn out too bad for me, as compared to those in the past. I gave people Christmas cards who did not return one to me. The same with gifts. Yes there were meltdowns. Most of those were private. The one noticeably public meltdown had a very different reaction from one of my parents due to her listening to my explanations of why autistic people meltdown and how to handle a meltdown when you see it happen. Because of this the minor meltdown was barely noticeable, whereas in the past it would have been earth shattering. I even managed to make it to church in time to receive communion on Christmas Day. The people who I did give gifts to all received art that I have created. I got to share my art with others, and that always makes me happy. And yet, I find myself longing for spring…