Anger is bondage for the actions of others.

I have mentioned a few times the summer that I spent healing from the hot temper that I once had. I remember at the beginning of that summer Bishop JOHN A, then Fr. John, telling me during counselling that the temper that I struggled with was punishment that I inflicted upon myself for someone else’s wrong doings. He said that he understood that I needed the anger and temper as a child to protect myself from my mom and dad, but that the anger had long since ceased to serve me. Further he then went on to tell me that since I was quickly approaching 40 years old that I had served a double life sentence for the actions of my mom and dad while growing up and that he thought it was time that I should free myself from that bondage. This process of learning to no longer have a temper and get angry every time something out of my control happened to me took a summer to make noticeable progress, but ended up taking about 5 years to take full effect.

That summer was the beginning of the real work at peeling the Onion. Layer by layer I had to learn not to explode in anger every time I felt out of control, felt fear, felt anxious over something that some one else was doing. I had to learn that I was free of the horrors of childhood, no longer had to fear the hurricane like temper of my adopted mom, no longer had to fear being lectured at and belittled by my dad, no longer fear being told that I was entirely too sensitive to the words that my parents said to me and that in their opinion I needed to form a thicker skin instead of them no longer verbally abusing me, no longer had to fear not being good enough for anyone and in the process begin to learn to love myself. I had to learn that I was under no obligation to read the belittling passive aggressive letters that my dad loved to (and still does love to) write to me, treating me like I was his failed employee who needed reprimanded for not turning out to be the son that he and my mom expected to be.

The entire world saw someone who was arrogant and standoffishly full of himself, but this was only a mask that I wore in order to protect the very insecure reality that I didn’t like myself one bit. I had spent too much time listening to two people tell me that I was not good enough at math and science, that I was not thin enough, that I didn’t kiss people’s asses so how could I ever get any where in life, that I was too sensitive to the world and needed to grow a thicker skin, that I would never make it as an artist, belittle me for not wanting to tear engines apart when I was a kid, etc. I had let their words totally form and instruct the way that I saw the world. I had invested entirely too much trust in their destructive opinions of me and in turn had let that form a very thick and very protective onion, a very fake mask that protected me from them and everyone who thought like them.

As I slowly began the work of peeling the Onion I began to learn of a new me, a me who was not one bit influenced by the attitudes of mom and dad. A me that I could actually start to slowly learn to love. I have only just begun to long process of peeling the onion and have only just begun to learn to love myself, but what I have done is stop listening to those whose words are destructive to my person and my creativity. With this I challenge you that if you have formed an onion around your soul due to your own past, that you will begin to show yourself some love by beginning to peel back the layers of the onion. Yes, it will hurt at first. It might even hurt so badly that it makes you cry your eyes out. But like all healing, eventually the pain will go and you will start to feel some thing that you might not have felt in a long time. You might actually start to feel alive and lovable. The jail cell in the photo at the beginning of this post has an open door. You are free to leave the onion any time you like.

To quote William Wallace’s father when he appeared to William in a dream in Braveheart: Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow your heart!

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I am an autistic artist and photographer who’s slowly working at peeling back the layers of life in order to open myself up to newer and more fluent creativity.

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Michael Goltz

Michael Goltz

I am an autistic artist and photographer who’s slowly working at peeling back the layers of life in order to open myself up to newer and more fluent creativity.

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